Full disclosure: I wrote most of this on Hazel's actual heart day, where I sat crying and getting really emotional the entire time I was writing. OK - Carry on...
I'm sitting here on Hazel's 4th heart day totally overwhelmed with emotion. I'm not really sure how to even label these feelings. I think mostly it's gratitude. I am just so thankful for our life, our girls, our health - all of it. As the time passes and we log more "life experiences" in our LIFE log book, it becomes increasingly obvious that we are in control of so little. One minute all is well and the next, it's just not. Yeah sure I still sweat the small stuff. I let little meaningless things get the better of me. I loose it on my kids. I get upset about things that don't really matter - sure I do.
And then today happens.
I am reminded of what once was. The reality that 4 years ago, our little baby was handed over to a surgical team to have open heart surgery, comes rolling back into conscious thought. 4 years later, I cry every, single, time, I speak about that moment. The moment we handed Hazel to a nurse, the moment she left my arms - my hands felt so empty. The moment the space between us was entirely to large for my mama heart to handle. While her heart was moving closer to being mended, mine beat there in my chest breaking with each step farther away my baby went.
4 years later - here we are! With a happy, healthy, glowing little girl who has grown and thrived every single day since that devastating moment they took her from us. She has never looked back. Only I look back. When I do, I feel relieved that it's over, blessed to have a perfect little girl and extremely thankful for modern medicine.
I feel gratitude to a degree that I could not possibly put into words.
Happy Heart Day Hazey!!!!
Sometimes when it's your heart day, you get to go to the toy store and pick out anything you want.