Hazel's 4. I know, it doesn't seem real - I assure you it is. Hold on while I take a short break to cry all the tears. 4 - hmmmmmmmm, ok - 4. It got me thinking over the last little while. Here's what I've come up with. Besides the fact that these newborn pics of her are pretty much making my LIFE at the moment. She's a wittle nugget #allthehearteyesforhazel
Every single day that passes Hazel becomes more sweet and loving than the day before. She's more perfect today than she was yesterday and tomorrow, well - even more. To tell you the truth, I often feel that Hazel is too good for me. I feel like she deserves more than I can offer. Especially the really challenging times. Trust me there are A LOT of challenging times when you have a 4 year old, that has 4 year old problems/needs but does not have a 4 year old vocabulary to express those wants and needs. There is a definite limit where patience is concerned on both our parts. SO, I can't help but feel that someone else may be just a little bit better for her in that department.
Side note: I am not looking for affirmation here or saying any of this so that y'all can tell me how amazing I am. I am just being myself - real, honest and true - calling a spade a spade..
The other day I was lying with Hazel trying to put her down for a nap. It was a hard day, a hard week. A busy, chaotic, illness infected week. There we were all snuggled together. I had my nose pushed up into her neck and chest, my arm around her waist. She had her perfect little arm stretched out over my neck. Her jaw was just grazing the top of my forehead. Resting there just so. I listened to her breath. I could tell the instant she fell asleep, I didn't have to look up. As I lie there with her, I couldn't help but feel like she was the one comforting me. I felt so vulnerable like I was the child. Her arm draped over my neck as if to assure me I was safe. As I was lying there, I was thinking how frustrated I was, how hard the week had been, how she deserved more. More than a mother that loses her patience, gets annoyed and can't make her little girl happy no matter what she does.
I laid there and tried to imagine her "perfect" mother. Who would it be that would be the BEST for Hazel?
What I saw was that when it comes to LOVE there is no way, NO WAY, anyone on this planet could love her more than me. I love her for who she is, just as she is. I love her even when I don't like her. I love her hard and real and with more compassion than anyone ever. Because if we are talking about love than I take home the Gold.
Then I thought about PRIDE. I will guarantee you that there is no other person who could be as proud of this little nugget than me. There is not a mom on this planet that will jump higher, yell louder, advocate better, celebrate even the tiniest of accomplishments with more enthusiasm than me FOR HER. So I think, for pride I take home the Gold.
When it comes to opportunity, I will make every effort in my humanely and inhumanely super-mom-power (even if it drives me into the ground) to ensure that Hazel is given every available opportunity that she deserves in life. And some that she doesn't just so she has options. So for providing opportunities, I take home the Gold.
And in the end even if there are other moms out there doing 5x the advocating that I do, or who love their children 10x more than I do (doubt it - HA) - I know that I am doing my absolute best to provide for Hazel. To give her all that she needs and then a little more than that.
I guess in terms of patience, if the gun goes off, the race finishes, the medals are being given out and I am still stuck behind the starting line fumbling with my shoe laces (probably really frustrated and patience running thin), well - I don't even place in that race but it's OK because I'm already carrying enough Gold to make up for the things that I lack. I am carrying just enough Gold to feel proud when I walk up to Hazel to share my winnings with her. With these Golds I can prove that I am doing my best.
4 is a big year. A year where she will sprout those wings just a little more. She will start school (whatever that might mean) and she will grow a little bit more independent. I don't know what else 4 will hold for Hazel, or for us, but I know that I will be there to make sure 4 is her best year yet.
This kid!!!!!! #stillallthehearteyesforhazel